Miami in Three Parts: Part One of Three Parts

I’ve been in Miami for the Miami Book Fair International, and in order to get wifi at the Hilton, you have to be in a common area. As I am a nudeblogger, and the hotel has a strict policy against nudeblogging in common areas, I was unable to post any updates from South Florida, and now I’m all backed up with nonsense to share. With any luck, I’ll be able to course my rants into three installments, but it might run over to five, or come in short depending on how much time I spend watching puppies sleep in a basket today, and how much time I spend regretting that.

So, part one.

Shopsin Book Step 1

Shopsin Book Step 2

Friday night, we ate at Le Tub in Hollywood (FL), and then we dragged ourselves, stuffed with 13oz of hamburger and twice that in blended cocktails, to a fête for Gore Vidal at the Raleigh in South Beach. Jordan and I were dressed to the fours in our stank-tops and parachute pants. Upon entering the penthouse where this thing was being held, we instantly recognized that our presence had caused the room to exceed critical shlubbiness mass, and we slunk outside to nurse our drinks in a dark corner. We met some very nice folk there, despite our best efforts to do it up hermit-stylez. Among them was Pete’s Heeb colleague, who turned out to be something of a food-lover and shared with us some of his favorite NY spots. I brought up Shopsin’s, as I’d been thinking about it since I stumbled across the recent companion book(1). Heeb dude then told us about a sandwich that Kenny Shopsin, namesake and curmudgeonly proprietor of Shopsin’s, will occasionally make for him. Before I go any further, I just want to add that I think Heeb dude is hilarious and delightful. But when he started breaking down this sandwich for us, my stomach cowered and retreated further into my depths with each ingredient listed. Here, you bite it:

Heeb Dude’s Favorite Shopsin Sandwich

Veggie Sausage on raisin bread, topped with egg whites (“Wait, no, there’s something special about the egg whites. Oh, ostrich egg whites”), and then smothered in a gruyere quilt. 

Come on. That sounds like an ovovegetarian tongue cancer patient got stoned and robbed a New Zealish specialty grocery store. Anyway, Jordan and I were marveling at this awesome display of whatthefuck and Pete was getting irritated with us, so we challenged her to come up with a worse combination. She proposed:

Pete’s Comeback Sandwich Response to Our Teasing Heeb Dude’s Favorite Shopsin Sandwich

“Panini bread” topped with marshmallows, green grapes, spaghetti sauce, and a raw linguine noodle. Pressed in milk.

For some reason, I still don’t have the same immediate sadness reflex that strikes me whenever I think raisin bread and veggie sausage. Neither did Jordan. Are we crazy for thinking that Heeb’s sandwich still sounds slightly more wrong?

 

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(1) Which I almost showed to Calvin Trillin when he paid a visit to our office, but luckily chickened out of doing, as I later realized that he had, in fact, written the foreword, and that I am, in fact, an idiot.