Advent Calendar Phobia

Goddamn mouse

There are mice in my house. We have a mouse house. If you give a mouse a cookie, he’ll eat part of it and you’ll get Hanta virus when you try to eat the rest the next day.

Last year, my friend Sheeho came to visit me in San Francisco. At some point during his travels, he had picked up a large bag of Ghirardelli spooge-filled chocolate squares, and one day while I was at work, he set himself to consuming one-by-one the entire bag’s worth of candy, while watching season one of The Wire in my room. A sizable collection of spooge-filled-chocolate-square-scented wrappers began to accumulate in a paper bag next to his chair, as he greedily sated his gluttonous soul with a variety of gooey chocolates.(1) After amassing his Santa sack of mouse bait, he, much like a nesting mouse, tucked the paper bag into a forgotten corner of my bedroom.

Lord of the Nachos

 

Opening Night at the Lord of the Nachos on La Cienega Blvd.

It took eleven unholy hours to drive back to San Francisco from Orange County last night. At one point, we stopped for lunch and I saw a poster in the window of the Taco Bell across the street that read, “Fully Loaded Nachos,” but a brain aneurysm caused me to read it as “Lord of the Nachos”. Here’s what I thought about for at least twenty minutes of the rest of the trip:

If I were ever to open a fast-food restaurant it would be called Lord of the Nachos; it would be located at 18th and Valencia; and it would serve nacho combinations until late in the night. The menu would be Bruce Willis -themed, as in each nacho combination would be named after a Bruce Willis film.

Ocean’s 12 (Bruce Willis as himself): Nachos ‘n’ cheese

The Whole Nine Yards: Nachos ‘n’ cheese and pulled pork

The Whole Ten Yards: Nachos ‘n’ cheese and duck confit

The Fifth Element: Nachos, beans, sour cream, guacamole, cheese on the side

Die Hard 2: Nachos ‘n’ cheese, sour cream, green onions, ground beef.

Die Hard with a Vengeance: Nachos ‘n’ cheese, sour cream, green onions, ground beef, black bean chili

Armageddon: Nachos ‘n’ double cheese, pulled pork, pickled jalapeños, roasted corn, chili, and a pizza

Planet Terror: Armageddon with double cheese (making it 4x standard cheese)

And then I realized that a menu of Bruce Willis movie -themed nachos would be monstrous and terrifying, and leave no naming options for the inverted nacho I came up with (parmesan crisp, roasted corn, jalapeño sour cream) or any sort of nachos lite, or vegan nacho slaw.

And then we drove for another six hours…