Opening Night at the Lord of the Nachos on La Cienega Blvd.
It took eleven unholy hours to drive back to San Francisco from Orange County last night. At one point, we stopped for lunch and I saw a poster in the window of the Taco Bell across the street that read, “Fully Loaded Nachos,” but a brain aneurysm caused me to read it as “Lord of the Nachos”. Here’s what I thought about for at least twenty minutes of the rest of the trip:
If I were ever to open a fast-food restaurant it would be called Lord of the Nachos; it would be located at 18th and Valencia; and it would serve nacho combinations until late in the night. The menu would be Bruce Willis -themed, as in each nacho combination would be named after a Bruce Willis film.
Ocean’s 12 (Bruce Willis as himself): Nachos ‘n’ cheese
The Whole Nine Yards: Nachos ‘n’ cheese and pulled pork
The Whole Ten Yards: Nachos ‘n’ cheese and duck confit
The Fifth Element: Nachos, beans, sour cream, guacamole, cheese on the side
Die Hard 2: Nachos ‘n’ cheese, sour cream, green onions, ground beef.
Die Hard with a Vengeance: Nachos ‘n’ cheese, sour cream, green onions, ground beef, black bean chili
Armageddon: Nachos ‘n’ double cheese, pulled pork, pickled jalapeños, roasted corn, chili, and a pizza
Planet Terror: Armageddon with double cheese (making it 4x standard cheese)
And then I realized that a menu of Bruce Willis movie -themed nachos would be monstrous and terrifying, and leave no naming options for the inverted nacho I came up with (parmesan crisp, roasted corn, jalapeño sour cream) or any sort of nachos lite, or vegan nacho slaw.
And then we drove for another six hours…
SUBSCRIBE?! 
8 responses so far ↓
Samantha // December 1, 2008 at 10:54 am
Over the Hedge didn’t make the cut?
alvaro // December 1, 2008 at 11:01 am
the world didn’t first come into being the day you were born and neither did bruce willis’ career. go back, way back, to when bruce was “funny” instead of “tough” and find your answers. actually, let me find your answers, you just find ways to make the recipes work.
moonlighting (surely the parm crisps are round… dipped in sourcream they look moonish, even has the word “light” in it…)
the last boyscout (something small. you know, for the children’s menu)
blind date (something you can share and that won’t make your breath stink)
friends (a side of nachos to something with chicken breast)
johnny0 // December 1, 2008 at 12:29 pm
The Sixth Sense: “I SEE PICKLED PEÑOS…”
Ugh, 11 hours? Man, I can’t wait for the bullet train. You could serve your nachos in the bar car.
I want that inverted nacho already — you should MSF it.
plebiscite // December 1, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Dude, I know. I am going to open a mobile Lord of the Nachos on the Bullet Train. Like the tamale lady, or the creepy candy lady from Harry Potter. Don’t think I haven’t considered pitching the inverted Bruce Willis nacho to MSF…
Sharon the Blogger Queen // December 2, 2008 at 12:14 pm
I loved him in Pulp Fiction, so I would name this eclectic nacho after him:
crumbled Royal with cheese
Crispy Bacon bits
1 gram of cocaine sprinkled on top
with a tasty beverage on the side
johnny0 // February 17, 2009 at 12:48 am
So which one is this?
Nachos: Chevre, Seared Steak, Fresh Tortilla Chips, Rocoto and Pasilla Peppers, Tomatillo, Cilantro
Kind of a Die Hard DVD set?
Snackin’ on yo’ booty snacks « Plebiscite // July 2, 2009 at 4:19 pm
[...] night to Anthony for MSF, that I think would be the perfect opportunity to premiere my inverted Bruce Willis Nacho and something I’m tentatively calling “Is this birdseed?” Details to follow, but [...]
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