This book is the pits.
I won’t spend too much time nitpicking about the production quality (ie. overexposed reproductions of home photos that make all the sexy chefs look like sexy facial peel zombies). It doesn’t seem fair to pick on TCB Cafe Publishing or TasteTV for things like their inability to choose/stick with a font style. (1)
But somebody has to be held responsible for the book’s hideous conceit. Part travel guide, part escort catalogue, this is an exemplary instance of darling chefs being made more darling, square-peg-into-round-hole’d into horrible parodies of themselves. To wit:
Chef Adam [Jones of Market Street Grill] is a young up-and-coming yet established chef. He has a hot look and his food is even hotter. He provides striking visuals on the face and on the plate.
What?!? I mean, really, WHAT? What does “provides striking visuals on the face” mean? Is he going to punch me? Get a Mike Tyson face tattoo?
What makes Justine [Miner of RNM] sexy is the way she takes classic dishes and combines them with local ingredients to create different textures and flavors that make the dishes all her own.
Are you making cassoulet? What’re you going to do with these local sunchokes? Oh! You’re going to put them IN the … Oh. Yes, yes. These different textures! This dish is all your own! Oh shit I’m gonna blow.
from Cindy’s Pearl Oyster Soup (pg. 93)
Poach the six oysters until just cooked. Rinse tapioca rice balls in cold water and set aside.
Make six omelet skins with a pan or large Chinese ladle. Fold uni into the omelet roll and seal with a 1/2 fold so the omelet looks like a crescent.
Make six omelet skins? What in the world is an omelet skin? Does it somehow differ from an omelet? All I know is that the ingredients list calls for 2 eggs. The rest, it appears, is up to me.
I just don’t understand the point of this book. I can’t figure out if it’s supposed to be a masturbation aid, or a cookbook. Until I get clarification, I will therefore be using its pages to start charcoal and catch cum. (2)
(1)
so many sexies
(2) Too far, dude.
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