Tag Archives: terrible op-eds

Plebiscite Newswire: Totally Psycho Columnist Takes Aim at Totally Crappy Sounding Doughnut Shop

[via JB via Eater]

There’s a Mercury op-ed piece today about a doughnut shop in the South Bay that has drawn the ire of almost two people who think that the doughnuts at Psycho Donuts in Campbell are not fucking funny, man. Patty Fisher writes:

The doughnuts, which are insanely fresh and tasty, amplify the psycho theme. Topped with stuff like pretzels and cereal, they have names like “coco kooks,” “manic malt” and “split personality.” A doughnut oozing jelly with a face drawn in chocolate is called “massive head trauma.”

Hysterical, right?

No, that sounds stupid, but whatever. Wait, is that your “insanely fresh” pun, or is that theirs? I’m so confused.

Not everyone is laughing

But not everyone is joining in the fun. Advocates for the mentally ill find Psycho Donuts in the realm of bad taste.

I’m not sure what you’re talking about

But I don’t know what you’re saying. You’re saying the doughnuts are supposed to be funny, but you think they’re offensive to real-life (dough)nuts? 

[Psycho Donuts proprietor] Kip Berdiansky is a funny guy. He even tried stand-up comedy, though he had more success as an engineer.

That’s a cheap shot. What if Kip said, “Patty Fisher speaks English. She even tried writing op-eds, though she had more success as a horse.”? 

Anyway, I guess P-Fish convinced someone to be in the newspaper with her:

“Psycho Donuts really does hurt people who have mental illness, and they are among the most dispossessed people in our society,” said John Mitchem, president of the local chapter of National Alliance on Mental Illness. “Imagine if they made fun of people with cancer or HIV. The one group people still find acceptable to poke derision at is people with mental illness.”

Fuck! There goes six months of work. I guess I can say goodbye to my HIV/AIDS Donuts business plan. What am I going to do with 2,000 coffee cup sleeves that say: The Real HIV Triple Cocktail: Coffee, Apple Fritter, Safe Sex? 

When I stopped in to buy some doughnuts and see what all the fuss was about, I thought the owners were out of their minds. Sure, the doughnuts themselves are great — my favorite was “split personality”, with chocolate sprinkles on half — but all the trappings were, well, disturbing. 

Wait, did you see that? 

When I stopped in to buy some doughnuts and see what all the fuss was about, I thought the owners were out of their minds.

I knew it! You love crazy puns, too! I mean, that’s the second time you’ve done it in one article. The first seemed like, maybe, sarcastic. This time it’s real. You just gave in to the pure joy of “poking derision” at the most dispossessed people in our society!

So the moral of the story is: Doughnut store owner good, lunatic fringe bad. But hold on, what’s that you say, Psycho Donuts owner?

“We wanted to reinvent the doughnut. Like why not change the shape? Why not put cereal on it? We were coming up with all these ideas and thought, hey, that’s kinda crazy.”

Oh, dude. Are you for fucking real? So you stole some ideas from Voodoo Doughnuts, and called it reinventing the doughnut? If theft qualifies as reinvention, then my friend Jim reinvented the Zippo lighter at a skate shop in sixth grade.

Anyway, I’ve gotta go fry some pig face. Here’s a closing present for you, courtesy again of Patty Fisher, meanest mom ever:

In London a few years ago, my family spent a day at the vast British Museum. It was late afternoon when we reached the Egyptian collection, and our youngest was at her limit. Trying to revive her interest, I marveled that the lovely things around us had come all the way from ancient Egypt.

She wasn’t impressed.

“If they belong in Egypt, then what are they doing here?”

Good question, kiddo.

I explained that for thousands of years, conquering armies had destroyed entire cities and stole the valuables. Well-meaning archeologists absconded with works of art to “protect” them.

As a result, much of the world’s greatest ancient treasures have been lost — or are on display in museums thousands of miles from home.

We both left feeling sad.